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another poem inspired by jeff [Dec. 29th, 2012|02:19 am]
cigarettes jack me up
one fleeting idea ending on the tip
of the end of my tounge down through
the fire to my lungs and out and into
the air that i breathe.

its a sudden but immediate dip into madness
tasting death and swallowing mortality
only to exhale vividly and ensure
vitality victoriously triumphs another day,
churning forward.

Manic energy toppled into a rush of nicotine
pulling back against sanity dragging
through against deep blackness and searing hot
rapid thoughts that bubble against logic and break
down into sweet smoke.

Cancer
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Strong Oak [Dec. 24th, 2012|06:53 pm]
Strong Oak.
that's what you have taught me family is,
thick heavy roots,
weather resistant,
ancient and eternal

no matter what.
you have endured,
withstood the test,
carried your burdens,
battled the ravages of time,
you are our mother nature,

our link to the planet.
By example you have shown us,
how to lead a family,
how to provide for and finally
how to love.

All of this time we have tried to reflect the love you have shown us,
all of us owe you something larger than ourselves. we owe you
years of patience, thousands of dollars in food and nourishment, and an incalculable amount of warmth and safety

lately it may seem as if we have taken you for granted. But I'll never forget the smiles you raised us with,
the songs, or the love. Mama Pimpa you face now another test, but know forever and always that you cannot fail in our eyes, for you have not failed by any of us. You have taught us all incredible strength in the face of overwhelming pain. you have taught us to struggle and to live. We all love and respect you and wish we could be by your side this Christmas like every Christmas. Merry Christmas Mama Pimpa I hope to see your smile again soon.
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My favorite thing ever. [Dec. 6th, 2012|11:09 pm]
Digging deep for a righteous reason



treading in dangerous yet familiar waters
I dive down deep looking for sunken treasure in the
hollowed out remains of an ancient Spanish galleon.
I examine the wreckage, and I am overwhelmed
it is a beautiful sight to behold

a vessel of immense size that once housed the dreams of ambitious men of times past.
Men who would undertake incredible risks to voyage and face the perils of the open sea.
The old ship stirs something in me greater than the contents of its water logged brig,
down in the depths meaning washes over me and drowns me in guilt

What was I looking for? Something to spend? Something selfish and material to objectify and show off in front of others. What if not greed motivated me to plunge head first into the darkness and shine light on This, this amazing revelation, this transporter of dreams, this relic of time resonates with a version of me I thought long gone. I have forgotten, all that I could be. I have forgotten all that I could say.

The ocean has hidden this truth from me but under its waters I have found the strength I thought I had lost forever. Swimming under the sea I remember the lengths and magnitude of my journey down to this point. I remember that I am in open water, miles away from land or any other human being
and yet I feel more connected to the world here and now than I have ever felt in my life.

I surface for air and struggle with myself and my thoughts
I have left the majestic boat untouched
yet I have taken from it something I could never give back
I have found change which I can share
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in the middle of it [May. 16th, 2011|11:56 pm]
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Mood |deviousdevious]
[Current Music |Nada Surf - The Plan]

I am doing work right now. Guess who is in the middle of it tonight.


I am so happy I have the ability to perform on these stages. I'd like to thank the following people for allowing this to be possible. The internet, you redeem me. My friends, you support me. My family, you tolerate me. My surroundings, You inspire me. My habitat, you confide in me. My woman, you continue to elude me. My Brother, you never desert me. My sister, your silence surrounds me. Thank you people. I promise I will never name you publicly I'll just hold up the results of your production as loudly and lowly as I possibly can.

Thank You and I am ready. Your move.
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So I am graduating :) [May. 9th, 2011|10:26 am]
[Current Music |Simple Minds - Don't You Forget About Me.]

Dear Livejournal,

I am finally graduating. The following is a course reflection I turned in for University 400, it conveys the message I want you all to read in regards to my feelings on this matter.

Course ReflectionCollapse )
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BROADCASTING [Apr. 9th, 2011|10:03 am]
[Current Mood |anxiousanxious]
[Current Music |R. Kelly - Step in the name of love]

I need to get a radio show, get all this shouting out of my system.

CognizantMachine.wordpress.com

Please share this link with anyone you can, on any site you follow, to anyone who might wanna listen. If it is not your cup of tea, let me know, I dropped a wrench down the well last night and I have yet to hear the tell tale ping. (I know I am anxious, its the coffee's fault I swear)

This place will stick around for life stuff. I'll keep Fed @ global Affairs on bloggers too and upload some more essays over the course of the week. I am working all the time on this and it is still very young so please keep in mind and check back often.

-Fed
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April to November [Feb. 28th, 2011|01:56 pm]
[Current Music |Ozma - Baseball]

So I have it right now, and I am not sure how long I get to keep it.
The lights are all on, but nobody appears to be home. I am gonna just keep playing it by ear and see what happens. I guess this is normal, but normal for me is dangerously unpredictable. I am trying my best not to scare anyone but I have a tendency to keep stepping up to the plate and knocking all the soft balls out of the park. I have to expect soon to pick up faster pitches, only should I drop the bat and run or hold my ground and wait for the umpire to call them like he sees them. I leave the question to you all in the outfield. The game is as much yours as it is mine. Leave me some love.

can you tell I have never played baseball?
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I feel like breaking glass. [Feb. 22nd, 2011|01:08 am]
[Current Music |the echoes - rapture]

My birthday was great. I really enjoyed myself and cut loose from the rigidity of my current routine in a dangerous and high adrenaline fall into hedonism. I kept a handle hold on reality though and made sure the tread into open waters was tethered by a sturdy lifeline. Over the course of my weekend I revisited old friendships and relationships deciding that these people who have stuck with me through the thick and thin deserve some public ceremony of honor. I think that the doors to the afterlife should be held open a little longer for those people in my life stuck holding up the flashlights pointing out the warning signs along my life path. It has to be the most thankless existence and if I could I would acknowledge them both regularly and favorably. Needless to say I can see where we can meet and how i can begin to repay this endless favor with only my words and a prayer that their blessings continue to befall them accordingly.

My birthday was a carousel 48 hours with little intervening sleep, where I was lucky enough to see people betwixt flashing bright lights and varying angles and altitudes. At a live party in the middle of a forest in Lorton, I bobbed from backwards to forwards up and then down to the tune of blaring music tinkering over top a truly loud sense experience. My friends and companions juggled laughter with playful conversation and an ease of manner so effortlessly I forgot to become tired with the banality of putting up appearances. I remember perking up and moving through conversation to conversation, ledge to window of short story to tall tale as I ranged the gamut of welcoming host to treasured confidant. The personal respect that was traded in exchange for acknowledgment was always met with great expectation and much exuberance as a conga line of fun anecdotes waltzed triumphantly into the forbidden room of Antioch and Alexandria.
The party, the pictures, the plans all of the P's of days gone past resonated well into my working life. I have spent the time since then filling out forms and bridging distances in the space from start to finish, the grin on my face has ever so lingered and the questions I once struggled with have silenced themselves over the calm night sky.
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buggah [Feb. 10th, 2011|10:02 am]
[Current Music |Neon trees-animal]

Job interview later today, longer post later. Exercise and dieting is going good. Other things are going good. Some things not so much but Job interview could change that. Still excited about my birthday. Never thought I'd say this but I feel like I want to be listened to again. I feel like I had the ear of everyone at one point and it helped drive me nuts but now that I am normal I want to scream and shout.
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work work work [Feb. 1st, 2011|01:15 am]
[Tags|, , , ]
[Current Mood |busy]
[Current Music |the buggles - video killed the radio star]

So I am going to classes going to work, trying to organize myself and keep all the balls in the air at once. I am reading two books, Margaret Atwood's the handmaid's tale which will get a full post once I am finished, and my cousins grandmothers autobiography which should also get a post once that is finished. I am dieting and working out regularly, keeping my brain active as much as possible. I have cleaned up my computer and re-rigged all my internet security passcodes along with a full wipe/scan of the laptop so i am starting fresh and clean as a whistle. I have decided to pay my parents a small rent out of my paycheck so long as i am living here and will be moving my belongings into the bigger room a month or two's time, once i have paid up pretty much. I need to sell my car and try and buy a new one... the problem is an engine one so I dunno how much I expect to get out of it but i am in no hurry and i'll be sure to do plenty of research first. February's always fly fast so I am trying to do everything I can right now to prepare myself for this reality. Once March comes I need to be snugly fit into a routine so when Owen visits I can hang out/unwind a little. Thursday is my tentative date for diving back into the pool and starting back up my swimming regimen. If I can fit in swimming into my weeks I hope to lose even more weight and come down to a more reasonable 219 by the end of February. I have a couple of decisions I need to make in the coming week I'll probably reason out here once I have more information. One of my coworkers is a cool progressive science fiction fan and is challenging me to read more important classics so I am gonna try and tackle the foundation series or some other such thing in between my school literature. I am talking and reading politics again but I haven't been able to formulate any solid responses or critical ideas. My writer's block seems to be fading more and more every day and I feel stronger and more confident in the tonality of my written voice which i attribute to the medicine (well that or the reading). I am going to try and post a response to the state of the union tomorrow after I have done a little research/conversed with a few of my respected colleagues I find I am a better speaker than I am writer so I'll try and formulate the beginnings of my ideas in conversation and refine my points into prose.

My birthday is coming up, February 12th, I am turning the big 2, 5, a quarter of a century and for some reason I have this lingering dread revolving around the date. As if something is supposed to have happened by my twenty-fifth birthday or as if time runs out on the clock of life. I have nightmares sometimes, about the REA or the BFD the GCOS, acronyms that only my mind should be able to unlock. I feel good though, I shake off the nightmares and the deja vu and the murkiness and I walk proudly to where ever I need to go. I feel safe and secure and most of all I feel correct.

Once I have worked out the expenses I need to pay off with my first couple of paychecks, I want to modernize. Buy an Itunes account and purchase music legitimately, buy a Pandora and Hulu subscription and break off my addiction to piracy and cable programming, buy a bike for spring time commuting, save up to travel I want to see the world still travel the country and visit the farthest reaches of my map of friends.

I want to end with a song and shout out to a friend who I have become much closer to recently. The song is the Buggles-video killed the radio star and the friend is Derik Stiller. What started out as a casual internet friendship has turned into a rounding post on which my stability has hinged, a loyal and wonderful friend who understands and accepts me as I am, and has helped me through recent scares and reluctant recovery. Thanks Derik, I honestly hope that you get even half of the benefits out of our friendship that I enjoy for knowing you. May our future continue together.
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