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the case [Aug. 10th, 2016|02:26 am]
thefed
I have been watching "Suits". a legal drama on USA network about two high powered attorneys closing high stakes cases and processing multi million dollar transactions. It got me thinking. what are my personal stakes? How much do I think I will move in my lifetime? How much do I expect myself to make for what am I best poised to do. So I have an important job interview tomorrow. I think this is my opportunity. to put into writing what I feel I must do and why. I plan on explaining my own personal case, and exposing myself to judgement in the eyes of everybody. That is how I am getting myself ready to negotiate. that is how i am seeing the world. through that lens.

what is my case? Basically I feel like I may have been written off by people in the past. I think they may have reason to have written me off... but that reason is inherently not fair. I deserve an equal shot. Fair representation of my side of the story. And if my story is the best story. I deserve to be compensated for it. I am willing to put in the work to sell myself out. I have done an honest self evaluation, and I believe I fall in outstanding character. I believe I am doing just fine in the eyes of the lord. A shining beacon of hope. I believe deep down that people are good, and that I am good.
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can't sleep might as well write [Aug. 7th, 2016|05:02 am]
thefed
[Current Music |jack's mannequin - I'm ready]

I remember a time when the whole world wanted a piece of me. I literally short circuited. I couldn't handle all the attention. couldn't live up to great expectations.

now i am unwanted. a remnant of who i used to be. I am no longer sharp... instead i am dull.

I don't know what i want. I miss the attention. i don't want the world. I just want to no longer be forgotten. left behind. all of those friendships. all of those connections. wasted. I can't sleep. I can't ever sleep when i want to. I always think of what i am losing every time i close my eyes. Deus Ex Machina. God in the machine. the plot twist. the moments that transcend time and space and connect us all. I think that is what i was reacting too all of those years ago. I would see the plot twists, and flag them. other people would react because of course nothing is sexier than a twist. the details would intoxicate. but I never elaborated on what all of it really meant. I'd leave out the sexy part. Or leave it all to the imagination anyway. Maybe that was my whole problem. I need a new start. I need an opportunity. I am slowly losing it. Losing the ability to write out my own reason for existing. I keep finding it harder to justify all of it. Am I really worth it? I don't know. What I do know is that every night I lie in bed and fear falling asleep. I fear oblivion. Maybe tomorrow I'll be somebody else. Maybe tomorrow i won't remember yesterday. or worse. maybe tomorrow I will.

it sucks fearing the past. it sucks knowing the future. I guess I'll just live in the moment. enjoy or bemoan things as they occur. What do you think?
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twerking for change [Jul. 9th, 2016|03:06 am]
thefed
the violence in today's society is really upsetting. I am intrinsically connected to social media and seeing the visceral reactions of some my closest loved ones is really disheartening... the only peace i can seem to find is in how temporary this all seems. A change is ready to wash over all of us and I for one couldn't be more ready for it. I am done with the past and ready to take on the future. I feel myself bracing for the storm but also transforming and growing at the same time. I know I am not as prepared as i could be. I am still incredibly lazy, and I haven't read or trained myself to be sharp as i could be if i were serious about my own shit. still I work. still i type. I think part of the matrix I add into the mix is important, and I think that unlike before my consciousness is not a hindrance but an ace in the hole. Despite all of the programs and drudgery I represent the human component. The free will.
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important relevant to the creation and implementation of new passion project geekflag.com [Jul. 6th, 2016|01:34 am]
thefed
Warning: the timeline we are currently living in has become corrupted and it is only a matter of hours before this reality falls apart and an alternate reality where the present is slightly altered take its place. We must work quickly and together to help maintain the safety and comfort of all of our loved ones. We must tell them we love them while we have them present in our lives because once the next world starts there is no telling what could be altered. certain constants seem to appear in this universe and variables that change around the core of these prime constants are tent poles we can use in order to create a map. With this map we must trust that its creation and purpose is good and not ignore the ramifications of where it must lead. Certain variables are imaginary and social constructs. Those variables can be exercised by leaving to faith that those principals are not inherently universe defining and will never deviate from a certain level of basic necessity. We can call those good. Another designation for those variables will unavoidable. The living algorithm that monitors all things and determines where the imaginary numbers that will comprise the universal formula for entropy come from are omnipresent. One who is well verse in recognizing patters can create a user profile for themselves that is universally customizable based upon their search history and likes and tastes. these socially constructed blankets of safety can be call everyone's individual flags. If one were given fully customizable options for creating their own representative flags they could pass down their personality from world to world. ensuring the safety of their individual tastes and possibly loved ones. Love the social construct can be defined by immediate affection one has for some one or thing based upon an infinite number of factors but also chemically and scientifically controlled by genes, upbringing, chemistry, and physics. The transfer of geek love to emotional love could be circumnavigated by a user created repository of self visualizations giving these "flags" an emotional thumbprint to be used to recognize and reward patterns of behavior and to ensure certain tent poles variables are less prone to hazmatic coincidence by temporal distortion.
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thought game [Jul. 4th, 2016|01:58 am]
thefed
what if it turned out that i was evil? what if i learned that I am a bad person and will be judged according to how i have built myself as a person? Should i warn the rest of you? am I a loaded gun? what if i learned that? Should I just trust that no person is entirely good or evil? Should I trust that it is not in my hands to judge? I am so confused about certain things.
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cognizant in the machine [Jun. 29th, 2016|01:20 am]
thefed
Talking to the man behind the curtain.

you aren't a wizard. you are just a charlatan. I trusted you for guidance and you deceived me. Now that the witch is dead, how am I going to get home? Now that I have done your dirty work, what use is there left for me?

Do the ends justify the means? should we really be expected to spare one person in order to save the rest? who judges? Who is good? what is evil?

Looking for answers in a sea of fiction. All that exists are lies within lies. It is all bullshit coded to hide more bullshit. The truth is scary. But it all makes sense. At least for now.

This will be read one day. and one day it will make sense. Even if only to someone incapable of understanding.
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coding [Jun. 24th, 2016|04:09 am]
thefed
I gotta learn how to code. if i did know how to code. I would code into the universe things. reminders that will keep me on a path. parameters that i could know I had to work in, in the future. I would make sure I stayed on God's good side. so when the reaping finally comes I wouldn't have the whole world turn against me for deviating from some kind of path. I would code in rules, lots of rules. and I would listen to my own rules. I would write and live by my own rules. and i would trust myself not to punish myself. or guilt myself into a messy situation. I gotta go to sleep. Preacher is pretty crazy. Scott is a friend. I think I know what is right and what is wrong. but when things get crazy. I have to remember where people stand. High school was so long ago.
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pulling an all nighter [Jun. 21st, 2016|04:19 am]
thefed
I remember in college i would cram all night the night before a test and study. just open up the books and try and absorb as much knowledge into my head the hours before a test. It was probably a terrible study habit. it was probably the reason my grades were so inconsistent. still i learned a lot. or at least i thought i did. its weird not having tests anymore. I still feel tested like by the powers that be, i feel like we are all tested on a regular basis. this is part of the growing process. I wonder how much of that knowledge i just claimed to have obtained is still within me. I wonder just how shot my short and long term memory is. after all these pills and time I don't even know what i can still claim to know. I feel like i still have those meta skills though. Lately I have been thinking i need to learn more. I need to actually hone a skill. practice and study and grow a new skill. in order to make myself more marketable.
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a little bit of writing [May. 28th, 2016|08:57 pm]
thefed
Lately I have been having trouble concentrating. I haven't been able to finish reading a book, or write a post longer than a couple of paragraphs and I am not sure what the cause is. I looked into headspace an app that is supposed to encourage meditation and self discipline. maybe that will help. I have been talking to this girl via text too... but she seems completely uninterested in putting any effort in besides occasionally texting me back. still shes cute... so i guess I'll continue checking in on her and being charming and hoping I grow on her. I have been really bored lately... I am lost... looking for somebody or something to shake up the doldrums. anyway just thought i'd update the old livejournal. I want to get better. I want to start reading and writing again. and I have even considered painting again. but for now I feel like I am missing something.
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check out my blog [Mar. 7th, 2016|12:03 am]
thefed
i have been blogging elsewhere. this livejournal holds a lot of painful memories. I'll keep it. but i am probably going to stop checking it. follow my blog.

http://www.cognizantmachine.wordpress.com
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